原文： http://www.wretch.cc/blog/wildflower/9734903
上回写“爱情决胜点”(Match Point)时，曾说要整理一些
伍迪艾伦(Woody Allen)这位酸老头的名言，以下就是我心
中的伍迪艾伦十大名言，以及其他我认为非常好笑的话。
所谓“十大”是依照我自己的评选标准，所以绝对主观。
***
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
这么短短一句话，表达了“我一生都是个大遗憾”，那种酸
气，那种愤世嫉俗，天哪，我完全懂他的心情，有时候我真
希望自己是某部片里面的角色，想把我的人生换成电影里的
人生。
***
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be
there when it happens.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
I want to achieve it through not dying.
每个人都怕死，伍迪至少很诚实，他不太可能是那个劝你不
要怕的伪君子。
***
I believe there is something out there watching us.
Unfortunately, it's the government.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your
plans.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
我的观念是，即使有上帝，他也不会理我。
***
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel
I have done my job.
这也是我的人生目标，只是不一定是靠拍电影。安慰别人从
来不是我的长处，我只知道如何消灭别人的希望。
***
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage
away. They make it into television shows.
我觉得亚洲国家也是如此吧。
***
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
伍迪艾伦最爱开人生的玩笑了。
***
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the
miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible
are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and
blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get
through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable
is everyone else. So you should be thankful that
you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be
miserable.
这是我高中时代第一次读"Annie Hall"的剧本时，最震撼也
最爱的一句话。多么正确！多么精准！我是从那时开始迷上
伍迪艾伦的。
***
其他某些我觉得也很好笑的名言，就列在下面让大家欣赏吧。
And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and
they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are
seventy your children will not have declared you legally
insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a
really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or
get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over
in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a
good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She
did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We
discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very
well adjusted for an only child.
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick.
Not wounded. Dead.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being
done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that
he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is
that basically he's an underachiever.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making
a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe
when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather,
on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is
finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly
for people who cannot remember where they left things.
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads.
One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the
other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the
wisdom to choose correctly.
Most of the time I don't have any fun. The rest of the
time I don't have any fun at all.
Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's
unrequited love. It stays with you forever. (unrequited:
无报答的；得不到报酬的)
There are two types of people in this world: good and
bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy
the waking hours much more.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever
spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
To me nature is…spiders eating bugs, and big fish eating
little fish, and plants eating plants, and animals
eating...It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the
way I see it.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In
that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things
that make you want to live to be a hundred.
You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly.
Only...only art you can control. Art and masturbation.
Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.