天啦之前压力山大
刚才做恶梦梦到 还在穿衣服妆还没画
婚礼的音乐已经响了其他伴娘已经走出去
自己整个来不及
满身大汗被吓醒…
这次旅行太伤了
途中好几次
睡一睡惊醒跳起来还没醒想着
糟糕现在几点了
要赶去哪里搭飞机火车?!
常常要花好一会才知道自己在哪里
连到家当晚睡一睡都跳起来
惊慌的想
“现在是哪里???”
“接下来要赶哪里的行程???”
而且太累睡太熟醒不太过来
环顾四周好几分钟才认出自己现在在家里
已经不用再赶了
Omg
…
I know you are trying to built rapport, as usual
你以为那些讯息能够平抚什么
如同过去一样
但一切都不一样了
我再也不会以过去的方式看你
或看待这段关系
你不知道我的回应仅仅出于礼貌
这么做单纯只因为我不愿因为你改变自己的原则
做自己不想做的人
并不是认为你值得这些
为什么当时退回你的礼物
因为那次的来访
整个月从头到尾都不对
之后种种也没有对过
无论是分开后对我的善意的解读或道歉
如果当时心里知道应该
那么即使出于某些原因没做
你就不可能拿来当辩解的合理理由
会第一次道歉就这么说
不会粉饰太平
直到发现我不愿原谅你才去思考原因
你后来的所有懊悔 歉意
认为自己多么不对
全都只是因为我的反应
不是真的。
如果不是我反应如此
you wouldn't consider it's something that I deserve to be treated.
这说明了一切
and it is a dealbreaker.
I'll never forgive you for this, ever.
这辈子，和如果有的下辈子
我不会再对你说不要再打扰我
因为任何的一切都变成是你给我的恩惠
让人反感。
…
关于fearful attachment
主要两个频道的水准简直云泥之别
(怎么会这么极端 :'(
一个烂得十秒就听不下去
另一个则是我看过最好的
简直想引述整篇影片所有的话
她说到最关键的是
fa的挑战在于
不只要改变对于存在的环境/对象的选择
同时也要改变展现表达自己的策略
是双重的改变所以非常困难
learn to show up honestly
learn to choose "where" it's more healthy.
10 signs:
1. You crave intimacy but fear commitment
2. You ricochet between over and under taking responsibility
3. You don't feel deserving of a healthy relationship
4. You want other people to be vulnerable before you are
"very unlikely to take initiative"
5. Rationality and emotion are unintegrated for you
"highly rational and highly emotional but not at the same time"
6. You are highly aware of power dynamics at all times
"explains why it always feels unstable with S,
both of us are highly sensitve towards power dynamics
and want it to be tip over to our own benefits to be able to feel safe."
7. Your inconsistent emotions makes decision-making difficult
8. You read other people really easily
"it's easier for them to spot other people for being dishonest.
they tend to be pretty good at understanding how things are played,
what people's motivation are,
why or when people are lying
or show up dishonestly,
as well as which delusion that people may be holding about themselves
they can see the area that people are often deluding themselves
over or under relying on emotions,
and having thought distortion.
but they have difficulties with secure people
who have no game plan and no strategy.
it's difficult for them to believe someone who doesn't have
that kind of mindset,
which makes them very unlikely to be in a healthy situation."
9. You are frequently "upregulated" + chasing highs
"needs emotional intensity,
often get themselves in to volatile and triggering situation
but unable to process it by dealing with vulnerability
it makes them having the tendency to chase extremes
/ extrenal ways to relieve the pain."
10. You love hard but struggle to make room for relationships
"feel the most regulated and non-stressful when they are alone.
avoidance look for superficial relationship that
they don't have to go deep at all.
however FA want intensity
but they don't want to make compromise and tend to be very rigid
in relationship.
...
limerence serves a purpose in your mind.
The purpose of my limerence for S is to almost like having
a parent that I have never really had.
that someone is knowlegeable / emotionally stable enough to go to
for advices / guidance and feel safe being around with.
and I resent him for failing that position.
I am certain this is his limerence as well.
As he said how he'd imaging what our life would be like together
if it's in a different reality.
that it'd be perfect.
There are certain obsession and addction of this relationship.
He believes it must be how the drug addicts feels about drug
as the way he thinks of me.
Quite contrary to what people may assume,
mutual limerence doesn't lead to something real.
It may feel intense but somehow I just couldn't overlook
the discrepensy between what's real and fantasy.
That's why it always feels off.