先致陪伴我低潮及大学研究所时光的最爱乐团
希望Chester能在天国好走
因为一些挥不去的伤痛而罹患忧郁症的我
在看到 linkin park 官方释出的一段最近的访问
我完全能理解他罹患上蛮重的忧郁症
因为这段对我来说也很重要
所以我打成逐字稿给自己
也给一些低潮的看或许你会有很多的共鸣
https://www.facebook.com/goalcast/videos/1492084944202024/
I was just like Fuck the world
Not like ,i need the break
Honestly like , Fuck all of you
like everybody and everything
and i don't like do anything anymore
Nothing makes me happy
i don't like anyone
i even told one of my therapists at one point
i said i don't want to feel anything
None of us immune from
you know , just shit happened to you ,
not to you but just kind of making poor choices or being human.
there's always that element and for me ,
life got really weired,
and really hard all at one time
there was few times over the last couple years ,where i was just ready to thro
w in the towel ,and i just kind of give up on everything
but i found that, for me most of my suffering is self inflicted.
it's not like its coming from some external source ,that's making me feel that
way
No one can make you feel anything
Its what you think about internally
that make you feel things,
like you are the only person that makes you feel anything.
And so i know , that i have this pattern of getting into these kind of thought
and this actions and choices .
I have always had this kind of depressive side , and i think that's something,
some people my not have gone down the road of injecting on the streets and lik
e you know that kind of stuff, so they think "Oh , my story's not that bad"
So dude ,no,may,
if you are here ,
if you're here , its that bad .
Its nothing spicial about that guy who is living on the street, and the person
who's just a binge drinker like three times a month.
Your life's fuck up ,and you realize that there is something , you got to do a
bout it , and its just as hard on either end ,but each one is just as relevant
as the next , and you don't have to know somebody to have an intimate experie
nce with them ,and also you don't have to know like someone to feel safe to
talk to them .
Any group of people can get together and just be like "Hey ! were gonna get re
al in here ,like lets get real" ,and just be vulnerable , say whatever's going
on ,and be accepted, and walk out the room and then feel great.
Chester之前就尝试过自杀
但或许一些因素，不管是家庭、好友也好
相信他最后所说的他只要这群能同理他的人聚在一起，
才让他感到真实，
而这其中我觉得也包括Chris好友，
而他的精神支柱也是能让他感受到所谓真实一面的他，
在五月自杀了，
美国时间7月20号是Chirs的生日，
而这天Chester撑不住了，还是难过的上吊自杀了
很多人说有勇气死为什么没有勇气自杀
但就是一堆这种想法才会一直让忧郁症患者找不到自己的栖身之处
对我们来说，带着解不开的伤痛活着，
比起死亡更需要勇气，死亡真的太简单了
Chester小时候长期被性侵害
也不是一两天的事了
有点资深的歌迷应该都懂，
他的嘶吼及抒情感人的嗓音，
都在发泄他过去的伤痛
只是没有现在这么忧郁，
我相信他随着时间过去
成为了世界摇滚的知名歌手，
娶了漂亮妻子生了6个小孩
却也发现，他的伤没有好，因此越来越严重
Mike其实一直看在眼里
每场live看到mike跟chester的互动就知道他们情同手足，就像家人一样
每场来台的演唱会，
甚至是你以Dead By Sunrise名义来华山演唱
全到
甚至一直到昨天晚上睡不着
我还是在听着你们的新歌
Battle Symphony
半夜因为忧郁症失眠
听着听着，
凌晨两点跑出chester上吊自杀的新闻
真的是用悲痛不已来形容
而我听的这首Battle Symphony
是你献给我们最后的战歌
我不知道该怎么形容这件事情的发生
他有个漂亮老婆，无数的钱，6个小孩
看似成功走出阴影，
因为人总是叫你努力成功，
赚大钱好像一切就没事一样
所有全亚洲的长辈有八成都会跟你这样说
但他敌不过人生阴影
最后还是上吊离开人世了
回头看看
Leave out all the rest , Shadow of the day
这两首歌
这是2007年Minutes to Midnigh
这张专辑的两首歌
如今对比起来格外辛酸....
Leave out all the rest, don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating, I’ve shared what I made
就把其他的都忘了吧！
不用担心这样做，会有什么不妥。
我已经用尽心力过完我的人生，
我也已经分享出我所有努力的成果。
I’m strong on the surface, not all the way through
旁观的你们认为我是个坚强、成功的人，但其实并非一直如此；
I’ve never been perfect, but neither have you
我从不是个完美的人，但旁观的你们也都不是啊。
Forgetting all the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well
你努力忘记那些我无意间对你造成的伤害，
那些你学会藏在内心深处、不为人知的伤口。
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself
我却只能逼自己相信着，
总有一天，会有个人，
能把我从自己的牢笼中解放出来。
I can’t be who you are
对不起，我就是无法变得跟你一样，无法像你那样思考、生活…