※ 引述《NSYSUKING (台服布里茨最后希望)》之铭言：
: 安安
: 昆汀塔伦堤诺
: 擅长使用暴力血腥画面的知名导演
: 著名的作品有 追杀比尔 黑色追缉令 恶棍特工 决杀令 八恶人
: 如果哈利波特给昆汀塔伦堤诺拍会怎样啊?
: 干五八卦
(Chapter One - God Damn Boy)
开头是黑白电影 聚焦在树林中的一栋小屋
数道白光黑影交杂 接着一段凄厉尖叫
陷入一片黑暗
(配着轻松的美式音乐)
脚步声慢慢逼近 搭著口哨声
“Damn! What the hell is going on here?”
开口的是邓不利多(山谬杰克森饰)
此时定格 人物身旁出现 Albus Dumbledore 的字样
“He...he killed lily and James Potter...but...”
海格带着哭腔回答，向邓不利多递出手中之物 - 一个婴儿
定格 出现 Rubeus Hagrid 的字样
“Huh...So that why you woke me up at 2:00AM...”
邓不利多低头，掀起包住婴儿的布巾瞧了瞧
“Okay Okay~ You can take it away~ Put it into the woods or somewhere...”
邓不利多说完，盖上布巾转身就走
“What? He's just a baby! Dumbledore!”
海格听完大惊，连忙质问邓不利多
邓不利多停止走动，将右手微举
“Did I look like a blind, Mr.Hagrid?”
“No sir! I mean...”
海格急忙想解释，却被邓不利多用食指抵住嘴巴
“Nah Nah Nah...Who am I...Mr.Hagrid...Who am I?”
邓不利多双眼看着海格微笑，用手指卷起海格的大胡子
镜头开始360度缓缓旋转 环绕拍摄两人全身
此时配乐变得越来越小声
“......”
海格不敢说话，镜头拉近在海格额上豆大的汗珠
“I say WHO THE FUCK AM I!? YOU MOTHERFXXKER!!!”
邓不利多瞪大双眼，破口大骂
“You are Dumbledore! Albus Dumbledore,the greatest wizard in the world!”
海格开始飙汗，眼眶渗出泪滴，紧紧抱着手中的婴儿
“Yes! I'm FXXKING Albus Dumbledore...the FXXKING greatest wizard in the
FXXKING world...and now you take me as a GOD DAMN nanny...HUH?”
邓不利多一手指著海格，一手指著自己
“No sir...I...I didn't...”
海格弯下腰，巨人的身躯变得比邓不利多还低
“And where are we...Hagrid...where are we?”
邓不利多继续质问，两手扯著海格的胡子
“Hogwarts...Hogwarts...”
海格开始语无伦次，双手越抱越紧
“Yes! Here is FXXKING Hogwarts! My school! Not a FXXKING nursery!
I won't let this little punk stay in my FXXKING school! Do you understand?
YOU BIG FAT MOTHERFXXKER! Do you FXXKING UNDERSTAND?”
邓不利多放开海格的胡子，海格重心不稳向后倒地
“I will take him away! I will take him away!”
海格放声大哭，镜头由上往下拍摄
“Good! Good! That's my boy! HAHAHA!”
邓不利多整理了整理斗篷 露出洁白牙齿的微笑
邓不利多准备扶起海格 下一秒却皱起了眉头
“Mr.Hagrid...”
“Any problem...Mr.Dumbledore?”
海格一脸疑惑
“I think you hold it too tight...”
邓不利多一手指著海格怀中，另一手掀起布巾
“Holy Shit! You killed him, Mr.Hagrid! You son of the bitch...”
邓不利多露出厌恶的表情莞尔一笑，海格则是一脸茫然
(进入黑画面，开始播放哈利波特主题曲混著西部风格曲调)
先弹出黄字
A Flim by Quentin Tarantino
黄字消失 跳出浮夸斗大红字
Harry Potter
再来跳出第二章标题
(Chapter Two - The Man without His Nose)
一共会有五章，片长将近3个小时这样